Saturday, May 12, 2007

Good for nothing

Last week I finished a short film script for a competition I was eager to enter, but after working on it for the past seven days, my initial enthusiasm for my script has turned to hatred. I can't think of another short film script to write. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a script writer. I'm not good at anything. Is it my fate to work be another boring office worker and not contribute anything creative to society? Maybe I should accept my fate and marry a sensible Chinese boy who listens to Boyz II Men and Brian Adams, buy a McMansion in the outer suburbs, have kids while I'm of child bearing age, get an admin job at an insurance company and have gossip magazine readers as friends. At least I'll be able to fine tune my only skill of baking cakes.

I can never follow through with anything. Not even suicide attempts. The three times I tried to kill myself I whimped out at the last minute because I was afraid that my attempts would result in paralyzation or brain damage rather than death, and I'd rather be dead than be paralyzed or retarded. If I wanted to commit suicide again, I'd have to do something dramatic like stand on a train track or jump off a thirty floor building. I'm worried than drinking a bottle of poison would just destroy my organs and I'd have to stay in a hospital for the rest of my life. How shit would that be. If I had the internet back in my suicidal days, I could have Googled "how to commit suicide" and got the job over and done with.

I'm at the peak of my cultural apathy tonight because I've been browsing celebrity gossip sites! I've stooped that low!!!

I still like writing though. I just finished a short story that I'm happy about. None of it is good enough to be published though. People tell me that writing is a skill people are born with and that enrolling in a writing course is useless if you already have the talent. However if I don't study writing, it will be something that will nag me for the rest of my life. I'm not confident in my skills so I mostly want to do a course to fine tune what I already know. I wish I had a writing tutor. Someone I can show my work to and ask how I can improve it. The only thing holding me back from doing a course now is my pending move to Toronto. That's it, I think I'll enrol in a writing course when I'm in Toronto.

If writing fails, maybe I should try photography as a creative outlet.

Ok, time for me to stop complaining and do something constructive.

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